Something I Always Think “What If…” About
I am an imaginative person who over-thinks so my “what ifs” ranges from self-deprecation land to what-the-fuck-is-this land.
The most common what if that goes inside my head is; “What if someone can read my mind?” Trust me when I say that this thought occurs to me almost every time I am thinking about something. Whether it is while travelling via a bus or walking down a street or anywhere I can think, this what if is inevitable. So instinctively, as soon as this what if enters my mind, I scream inside my head and search around if anyone flinches, so that I can catch a mind reader culprit. Albeit I know the chances of a mind reader and the mind reader reading my mind is tiny as an ant but that would never stop me thinking what if.
The other what if comes when I am really deep into thoughts. What if there is no such person as “Shripa”. What if I am just an actor, a character played being “Shripa” since the birth. What if my parents aren’t my actual parents but are just projected to be my parents. What if everything I am doing is a part of the script, what if everything is a lie? What if I’m just a character in some kind of sick documentary or a TV series or a book? And any day, a person would come up to me and say,
“Well, whatever you’re thinking is right!”
Another what if comes in the form of regret (kind of). I believe that everything happens for a reason, be it either good or bad, so it takes me loads of depressing days to finally get into a point when I am thinking about changing my past. What if I really did everything I could do to improve my academics in A-levels, what if I managed my academics as well as extracurricular activities more properly? Had I done that, my stress level right now would have been decreased by a mile. This what if is really very dark so I try to distract myself whenever anything what if related to the past comes stumbling into my mind.
“What if I am born for a greater cause?” is another common what if in my brain. What if I am destined to do something great? And everything I do is separating me from my destiny? What if every wrong decision I take is going to affect the world in some sort of way? What if every stupid decision I take is making my guardian angel or God or whoever there is face-palm themselves? What if I cannot make them proud? Hell, what if I cannot make my future self proud? What if I live a completely normal life and cannot inspire or change any person’s life? What if I never get into a good college? What if I live in Nepal for the rest of my life? What if nothing good comes out of anything I do?
Some of my “what ifs” revolve around the idea of death. What if I die? What if I could be invisible for a day and I could see the space that I occupy being void, what will be the reactions of the people I deeply care about? What if someone I care dies suddenly? What will happen to me and the people surrounding them? This thought always ends up me shuddering and suddenly worrying about the person’s well being and I will have this urge to talk to them or pray for them if I cannot contact them in any way.
See? I told you, my “what ifs” varies a lot. These were only the few main things that really pops into my head frequently or when I am really deep into thoughts. Other what if ranges from “what if I get a chocolate” to “what if this particular stranger sitting next to me announces his undying love for me”. It’s crazy being me and having my head.
But I love it.
Until next time,