My Opinion About My Body And How Comfortable I Am With It.
How I feel about my body isn’t something that is constant. My insecurities come in waves, some days there are storms that look endless and some days it’s just a calm, beautiful sea.
I am a 5’1” short girl whose eyesight is like a potato. I have a small nose, crooked smile, dark boring brown eyes, long black waist-length hair, eyes that are slightly bigger, a tummy that struggles to be plain, thick thighs, and fat claves, tan skin, short limbs, shorter fingers, yada yada.
I have always struggled about how I look.
As a kid, my hair was always cut short and I was lanky and always felt that I was dark-skinned. (Mind you, that I was really fair-skinned person, still am.) In my pre-teens I had to wear glasses, and I was growing out my hair. I didn’t really had boobs yet. And I remember praying to God that I had longer hair and I could see without my glasses. I use to suck in my stomach while clicking photos (still do). And I remember asking my friends how their hands so white and I remember refusing to go out in the sun because I was scared of getting darker than I already was.
Then came puberty, and brought these ugly little dots on my forehead. They aren’t ache; they’re just like little bubbles on my forehead (I don’t know what they’re called). I remember asking my mother about it and she told that she had those as well when she was my age. When my brother reached his puberty, then we both shared this “bubbles” and I was okay with that. Puberty brought pimples, hormones, boobs, ass, insecurities, everything except height. I am the shortest person in my huge family if you don’t include my mom. But she’s my family and whatever.
In our culture, we greet with a Namaste that follows with “you look…” There is always a comment about your appearance when you meet someone. There always is. In the same day, you could be called fatter, or thinner. Your hair could be called longer or shorter. There always is a comment about how you look. It’s difficult not to ponder upon each and every comment they made, how their eyebrows furrowed when they said that, or the tone of their voice. It’s too easy to over-think, over-analyze, and feel bad about yourself.
Now, living with those comments and being in my body for more than 18 years, I have come to accept it. I have accepted that am short. I will always “not good enough” hair no matter what the length is. My eyes will always bulge a little more out than the “normal” eyes do. I will always have to find a support for my vision. My cheeks will always look chubby when I smile and my smile will always lift a bit more on the left side than the right. My forehead will always be large and some days have loads of “bubbles” and some days, there will be less. My limbs will always be shorter (unless some kind of magic happens), my stomach will always have rolls, my thighs will always catch my fallen cookies, my feet will always be weird. I will always be me.
This acceptance came to me not suddenly in one bright sunny morning, it came to me with constant self love and pep talks. It came to me when I realized that this body which I was sp critical about, is mine. This is my body. I have to live with it, inside it, be it and show it to the rest of the world for my lifetime. This is me. This is a part of me; an inevitable, inseparable part of me. This is who I was when someone looked at me.
And if I weren’t to be acceptable of my own body, no one is gonna be acceptable of it. If I don’t love my body, nobody is coming to love it. If I don’t validate whatever features I have then who is going to?
And my body is pretty damn banging to not be loved, accepted, cared and validated by myself.
Yes, there might be days when I don’t want to be seen and want to hide under my blanket, but I will remind myself to put some kickass songs that I can jam to, pull out my heels and walk like the world is my runway.
So dear body,
You are mine. You are a part of me. You are me. And it doesn’t matter whether you look fat or thin or anything that an adjective or noun defines, you will always be me and I will love you no matter what. I am going to take care of you. No, I am too lazy to go out for a walk every morning, and I love food too much to go on a diet. But I will keep you healthy, as much as I can.
Until next time,